Today is hard. A different kind of hard than this weekend where I wept and lost sleep and felt sick over the Sandy Hook shootings. Today three of my children are in school. I'm sure this morning was difficult for most parents, all us realizing that life most go on and the routines that shape our days march forward even if we don't want them to. Even if we are afraid. Deep down I realize that I am incapable of protecting my children all of the time but I like to think we live in a safe small bubble of kind people and safe streets and that those who would do us harm are someplace else. Some other world.
This morning I was all set to drive my two oldest who usually walk to school because of rain but realized as we opened the door that it had stopped. I told them they needed to walk and they were upset. Ruby told me it was slippery and so I needed to drive them but I held my ground. As I watched them go I felt a wave of doubt. Are they safe? Is something going to happen because I should have drove them? What if. What if. What if. And really I think I was questioning God. Do you love me? Do you love my children? Will you protect them? This leads to even harder questions that I have been asking since summer; If I die Lord will you mother my children? If I lose someone that I love will I be okay? If I lose a child Lord, will I be able to stand, able to even breathe? Can I trust you Lord?
The answer is a shaky imperfect yes. I do trust God and the more I read His word the more I am convinced of His love for us. I don't trust God perfectly. At times I forget and hold on to things of this world so tightly it hurts. Then I remember and let go for a little while. Today is hard. Today I lean a little more into God and His promises than other days when things feel easy and safe. Today I remember that I can withstand all things with God. Even sending my kids to school.
When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.